Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I love you. Go after that dick
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
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