They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I just pynch a tree in the face
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
