dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
