dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
false alarm, still single
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
