Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
