And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
