I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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