nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
