he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
