He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
