hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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