i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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