I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
