Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Randomize
