True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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