You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
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just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
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If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize