Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
He better not be in your backpack
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
