I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
