remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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