whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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