I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
