it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
We named our party play list daddy issues
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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