just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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