Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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