i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
