The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
