i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
then he tried to convert me to islam
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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