i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
