Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
