when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
