we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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