why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
