my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
