You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
