i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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