My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
My underwear smells like fireworks.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
