I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
