Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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