A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize