it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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