Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Randomize
