The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Blood and glitter go together right?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
