so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
