her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
