The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
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He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
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Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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