I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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