So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
