who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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