She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
