I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
