She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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