Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
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