I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Randomize
